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| Image not mine |
I'm counting the number of days in my head,
that I've sat in my bed feeling full of dread.
So I force myself up get up on my feet,
go make breakfast for my children but then I don't eat.
I feel so pathetic so full of regret cause how can I set such a example for my kids.
Most days I sit there fighting my own mind, to not take control and torture my pride
I'm told to push forward by family too, but they don't understand they don't have a clue.
There's a little me inside saying every things wrong! I'm not a good women nor a good mom....
I don't do my chores the way a wife should, I lose all motivation and become just no good.
I'm trying to work hard to fight and defend, but the harder I try the farther is the end.
I cant reach the happiness so often others describe, all that I hear is my soul dying inside.
I know I'm a good mother my children my pride and joy, but that doesn't seem to help me when I go into a spiral of criticising myself with banishment and denial.
Why do so many believe I can do it to suck it all up and pretend nothing to it.
Don't get me wrong I'm sure it works for some, I am strong everyday just like everyone.
But through my days I'll go through many changes, from happy to sad to being outrageous. Frustrated so mad that I can't do anything right, get up off the chair and push with all my might.
But why am I not moving.. I'm still stuck not fighting at all, I use the few things I find pleasure in doing and create a different world where no one is hurting. I'm able to laugh and cry to be normal, but the triggers around me remind me it isn't real I'm a coward, wasting away so lazy and cruel.
So selfish for wanting to focus on me to find less pains to set me free.
I'm shameful so stupid I motivate myself, then when time comes for action I fall back to hell.
Back to the same routine, never
Finished didn't clean, the kids are fighting over something and I go to intervene. Its weird in a way that I know I'm at least good and capable of handling my kids the way a parent should.
Even though the stress involved there, it also is a strength... its what forces me out of bed and continue with the day.
Fighting and struggling.. Thriving to survive so I can be with my children the one reason I'm alive.
But even though I'm strong I'm also very weak, Why do people think they know what I need.
I don't want your pity and saying only I can do it alone, I'm telling you not everyone can make it through the cold.
I'm freezing my heart cant take much more of the pain, so instead of getting mad at me for sounding like a broken record just pick me up and use a cloth to make me all better.
I don't want the quick fix... I know nothing comes for free...all I ask is that you really listen to the words that I plied.
I'm not suicidal, actually I really fear death.
The thought of not living or seeing my kids.
I'm a crybaby every word hits the heart, I cant ignore like some do I can't play my part.
Be good act normal like every things fine, soon the pain will stop just give it some time.
I have to create a giant stop sign yell out loud in my head when ever a horrible thought or memory I hate decided to make its bed.
But I still hope at the end of the day that things may be different and my life will change.
My kids will look up to me my husband wont blame and yell and make me feel like hell.
But I can't blame him for the anger I know what I've done.. I didn't do the stuff a wife should but I really am trying and I do need the help, my emotion is overwhelming I cant focus I cant breath just give me a hand please give me some ease.
Just a minute to step back not worry about the chores, the bills, or the kids, the stresses that come from all of those.
I wouldn't ask for help if I really didn't need it.
But its gotten out of control I just can't contain it.
Just give me a hand show me how to keep in check,.. my tasks all caught up, clean clothes folded on my bed the house and my mind no longer a mess.. and just with that one step of you doing your part, already lit the fire for my motivational spark .
See it doesn't matter if your strong or weak sometimes we need the help to get what we need. You don't realise how silly of a task inspires... to make a person smile, keep walking for miles.
Just by writing this poem with the words typing on my page.
There's a little bit of hope for tomorrow to take to bed and to save.
I'll probably wake up again reminded I'm a fool.. but maybe this time it will work and be the start of something new.
Thank you for reading...
From Miss Lynn to you......See you in the next one...
xoxoxo
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