My Struggle With B.P.D.

I feel the same way you do, I just feel it ten times more.

Image not mine

When I'm sad, I'm falling apart.

When I'm upset, I get furious and rage.

When you say cruel words to me, It effects me like you are stabbing me with a knife.

If i say something about you, I turn to regret it so much I hate myself, even if you deserved it.

When I'm hurt, betrayed by the closest ones to me, Its not as simple as it happened, Its like someone has died and I'm losing myself in pain.

It's like I have to shell I am open to your anger, your cruel ways and you ignorant bliss, I take in every word you say.

I blame myself even when I shouldn't need too.

When i get mad and tell you off even when you really had it coming,

I feel so guilty that i did it, why? because even though I'm so mad at you all I want is to be friends.

I care to much and can't shut it down.

It's a battle In myself I fight daily to try and make it easier for you to like me.

I ask not to be judged, But you judge me any ways.

This is just some of the things I am, You don't even realise the darkness I hold inside everyday so that you all can approve of me.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Its a serious illness which without proper support, from family and friends can take a turn which can't be undone.

I'm accepting the fact that you are wrong I am not a Bitch by nature nor a whiner, nagger, annoying, crybaby, It's not my fault I am this way.

I do struggle everyday to be better, for you and myself.

But struggling is all that i do there is no life line no hand or chest to hold me. what I know I need to make it through is there in view but isn't there to touch. I want to be loved but fear the abandonment it could bring.

I push you away, Only so I cant be hurt.

I don't want this life I didn't choose this way.

so why do you judge me and hate me when I don't even judge you and accept you for your own reasons to be that way.

I cant go through this targeted like a waste of human space.

I am human, i deserve you to treat me that way, not your verbal human punching bag to get your anger out on.

Please understand me, I want to be happy and make friends, laugh and cry like a normal person.

So cant you please try even a little to just be there even and not mocking, and pointing through the locked glass door between us.

I'm not suicidal I have my children that's my reason to keep surviving.

but for many they cant hold on to that. 1 in every 10 people will commit suicide who have B.P.D.. 

Its a chemical imbalance in the brain not an excuse to act like a child.

Be aware not just for me but for anyone person in this world going through the same pain. To us, we are alone even when some one's right there.

We don't see through the fog even if we know your on our side.

Its not easy Its hard.

But its also curable over time, so please don't cast me out, help give me the strength and accept me even when I'm throwing a fit or saying things hurtful to you in the moment.

I don't mean it most of the time and even if I do, I regret it from the core of my soul.

To those who have took the time to read this, Thank you..

for doing it when no one else bothers to try.

Thank you..

From Miss Lynn to you... See you in the next one..

xoxo